You glance at your peacefully sleeping partner and surprise – you feel a wave of pure, unfiltered hate. Renowned family therapist Terry Real has been openly discussing the concept of “normal marital hatred” for decades, and not a single person attending his workshops has inquired about the meaning. Turns out, feeling a twinge of hate in long-term relationships is common. And it doesn’t spell doom for your relationship.

However, dealing with hate towards an intimate partner can be unsettling, confusing, and, at times, distressing. It clashes with our innate yearning for deep connection. Here are 5 compassionate ways to address hate in your long-term relationship:

1. Understand and befriend the feeling of hate

Researcher Robert Sternberg defines “hate” as a complex blend of negative emotions — disgust, anger, fear, and contempt — all catalysts for separation or divorce. However, negative emotions are important to recognize, allow, investigate and nurture, without judgement. Hate is:

• Normal and impermanent: Negative feelings are a part of the human condition, keep us alive, and are temporary.
• Not a fact, but a signal: Our thoughts and feelings aren’t facts, but serve as forms of communication, signaling potential boundary violations, unmet needs, or an unbalanced relationship.
• Not a personality trait: Feeling hate does not make you ‘bad’ or a ‘hateful person.’ It’s a protective friend nudging you towards wholeness.

Spend time reflecting on what triggers hate towards your partner, while ensuring you’re not projecting or displacing your own “stuff” onto them.

2. Normalize that all people have dirty underwear

Psychologist D.H. Baucom’s research suggests that setting high expectations for how you’re treated in your relationship increases the likelihood of being treated well… so aim high! It’s crucial to clarify that aiming high doesn’t mean chasing perfection or imposing unrealistic standards onto your relationship. Consider the common misstep of expecting our partner to be our all-in-one package, our everything. It’s impossible for one person to juggle the countless roles once shared by an entire village of family and friends.

Choosing a life partner is about finding someone whose “dirty underwear” you can accept and manage alongside your own laundry. And yes, finding micro-acts of joy in the process. This realistic mindset shift, combined with mutual dedication, diminishes brewing feelings of hate.

3. Name hate, to tame hate (thoughtfully)

Research on hate sheds light on an interesting phenomenon: a lack of direct contact with individuals, especially those perceived as different, can amplify feelings of hate. This factor extends to couples in close proximity who opt to live more like roommates or passing ships rather than romantic partners.

For example: A low-conflict couple enters therapy, choosing to separate despite their effective collaboration in daily life. But passion and genuine communication have been absent for years. It’s a scenario reminiscent of “death by a thousand knives.” The loss of their once-beloved relationship intensifies when they recognize missed chances for deeper intimacy – opportunities easily addressed had they just talked to each other!

Talk to your partner if you find yourself harboring hate. Reflect on what needs addressing within yourself and what is important to discuss with your partner. See if your partner is open to listening, even if it’s uncomfortable. Fostering connection through vulnerable conversations creates a space where hate has no room to grow.

4. Cultivate empathy and embrace differences with your partner

It’s not uncommon for couples to step into therapy with resentment, hate, or feelings of betrayal, especially when they perceive their partner as malicious, resistant to change, or not pulling their weight. An initial step is distinguishing whether your partner is genuinely unwilling to invest in the relationship’s longevity or if the struggle lies within your relationship dance, possibly both. We are all flawed and have selfish moments that are inherent to being human, so distinguish your partner’s mess ups from who they are as a person.

If you notice your partner making an effort, then express appreciation. And shift your focus to the dynamic of your relationship. Almost all relationships experience conflict when we run up againstdifferences in lifestyles, beliefs, and overall ways of navigating the world. We won’t ever fully know our partners, but the ongoing effort to try is what matters. Understanding your partner’s world – their history, hardships, beliefs, values, intentions, dreams, and desires – nurtures empathy and compassion, serving as the antidote to hate. In time, we allow love for a person who is as imperfectly human as we are.

5. Focus your energy on the ‘we’ of the relationship

Feelings of resentment and betrayal may emerge when individual interests consistently take precedence over the relationship’s well-being. Research emphasizes the importance of each partner being the primary caretaker of their own needs, while the other acts as a secondary supporter. While this may sound individualistic, the ultimate goal is to cultivate an interdependent dynamic where both partners collaboratively prioritize their needs as equals to each other’s. If one partner feels hate, signaling disconnection, it transforms into a collective issue requiring a collaborative “we” solution.

Modern ideals stress autonomy and boundaries, which are important concepts that require healthy flexibility to maintain long-term bonds. At times, we can unintentionally take a rigid stance, where one or both individual’s needs compete with the collective, creating a ‘you vs. me’ standoff. It’s a delicate balance of nurturing our sense of self while equally caring for the needs of our partner. We can’t always be 50/50 in daily life, but we can aim for balance through our relationship seasons – it’s about the long-haul. Achieving this balance, especially amid past relational hurts, poor mental health, power struggles, or an unbalanced dynamic, is challenging but possible.

Reflection

Photo by me, Alli

My hope is for more connection and less hate. By addressing and reducing hate within our homes, we can create a positive ripple effect in the broader community. If you’re facing challenges in your long-term relationships and aspire to improve your overall relational well-being, seeking guidance from a trusted therapist can provide invaluable support. May you be well. May you be healthful.

This article is not intended for relationships involving domestic violence or abuse. If you are experiencing this, please seek the care you deserve by calling 1-800-799-SAFE.